duhheather

none this time.

2008-06-13T22:20:00.000-07:00

my world is falling completely apart and as i stand on my porch, watching the tornado clouds circle above me, i find myself laughing at all this terror. how do i find humor in this. perhaps it's my own defence mechanism to seem happy to the world around me. but what the world sees is only a mask. i'm not being true to who i am but i don't want the world to look at me and see a girl who is falling apart. i lose either way.

i miss him. i miss him so much that i feel myself dying a little bit each day that i'm not with him. i loved everything about him it made me feel uneasy. our senses of humor meshed so well together and it's getting harder to wake up every morning and know that he's not with my anymore. what happened? he was happy. i could see it in his eyes that he was happy. he wasn't wearing a mask that time. i'm sure of it. i could have loved him. i could have fallen and he could have caught me and i could have been happy.

'I know there's one more thing that I'm still missing. And if it's you... Come back and breathe.'

i need him. i need something.

i've got 4 minutes

2008-05-08T05:11:00.000-07:00

we never look before we fall becuase we're scared of what's going to happen after all the tears finally dry and you can see this path more clearly. we always bend before we break becuase our body wants to worn us to take things slow. some things don't have to be like this. we we're meant for love and all your eyes gaze upon is this forbidden door waiting to be opened. if only you had the key.

oh my something it's ok to come home

2008-04-22T15:27:00.000-07:00

I don't want to sound wise. I can't adempt to fool myself. I'm going to write this exactly how I would say it. So here it goes. I think I really fell in love this school year. I don't even know what made me realize this. I really fell in love with him. Now, hang on a second. This isn't full of daisies and butterflies. I didn't fall in love with the boy that cut off all communication with me and refuses to look me in the eye. In fact, I really hate that boy. No, I fell in love with the boy that I met in September.

The boy who held my hand when I was scared during Dead Silence. The boy who gave me his jacket when it was cold and then stood behind me, putting his hands in the jacket's front pockets, giving me a sense of safety. The boy who drove to my house at 1 in the morning just to get brownies, then stood under the over-hang of my grauge while it was raining, just to talk. The boy who understood what the word "love" really meant and promised not to say it, unless he really meant it. The boy who I drove in circles with around town, constantly laughing, neither of us wanting to go home. The boy who carved pumpkins with me on Halloween. The boy who I only got to spend three short weeks with, until realizing that he could find someone so much better.

That's the boy I'm going to miss when August rolls around. That's the boy who now holds my heart. I just wish I could have one more chance to show him how wonderful of a person I can be. I just wish I could be happy, like I was 6 months ago.

So this school year is almost over and I can't hide how much my heart is breaking. But who am I missing? The boy who held my hand is gone and replaced with a sarcastic, 18 year old ass. So I guess I'm not missing anyone. That scares me.

Have We Learned?

2008-03-17T09:29:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to write one thing that will inspire others. It hasn't happened yet. But I'm still trying. I'm sick of trying. I'm sick of waiting. I'm sick of pretending that he doesn't matter to me. No, he means everything. And I think I told myself over and over that if I say my feelings for him have left, then they eventually will. That also hasn't happened yet.

I've been trying to forget about this year. One good thing has happened so far and I lost in a matter of three weeks. That was hardly enough time to really grasp that I had it. So those three weeks were the best of my life. And I've spent the past four months trying to muster up enough energy to accept that it's over. It hasn't happened yet.

I want to go to Chicago, buy a camera, and start making money. I want to graduate and forget about high school. What I've lost. I haven't learned quite enough. I haven't cried nearly as much. But I need to change. I need to care. I need someone that will make me less predictable. Someone who won't correct my awful spelling. Someone who will run away from life with me and take a train to some abandoned city. I need something stable for once. I need something humorous and romantic. I need to stop using so many cliches.

i would love to take a train

2008-02-18T11:17:00.000-08:00

ive been awake for a while now
and your silence seems so loud
but maybe if i sing or scream
the song you promised to write me
i'll forget that you forgot me
and maybe ill run across the country
and scream where no one can hear me
ive always had mixed feelings
the 21st of some new school year
thats when these thoughts were embedded
i would love to scream my mixed feelings
one last time, and then forget you.

i crashed and i burned

2008-01-03T16:11:00.000-08:00

i dont know where to begin. i told myself i would probably crash and burn. i did, and it hurts. but im glad it happened fast. i didnt put too much care into it. last time i made that mistake and watched my heart shatter. i dont see tears forming in my eyes. its good to know that im moving on. it still hurts. i just wish he could see in me what i see in him. i wish he could remember how much we got along and how much we laughed together. i hope we can still be friends. and i hope i get something more out of all this heartache becuase he, alone, wasnt worthit.

blackbird

2007-12-31T15:27:00.000-08:00

he's got a girl that will understand his jokes,
and discuss philosophy with him.
and all i want to do to watch old movies,
and discuss music with him
i hate that my heart still misses him.
i shouldnt have to hurt this much.
i hate that she's perfect for him,
and i get the "just friends" part of the deal.
i hate hate how nothing these days is fair.

"blackbird singing in the dead of night
take these broken wings and learn to fly
all your life,
you have all been waiting for this moment to arrive."

i think im sick

2007-12-30T11:57:00.000-08:00

im sick of writing poems. this isnt doing me any good so why am i trying to fool myself? im sick of liars that continue to lie after they know theyve been caught only becuase their pride is too big to swallow. im sick of looking for love and getting my heart broken. im sick of people judging me as the "quiet girl". if they only took the time and got to know me, they'd realize that im the complete opposite of quiet. im sick of politics and people who say i need to be political. maybe its laziness of not wanting to research the different classes but the fact is, i dont care about what political class i fit into. stop pestering me! im sick of my english teacher who is president of the "i hate heather club". she always counts my essays as late when i turn them in on time and she's unfair with everything she does. she doesnt even let me go to the bathroom, but she lets everyone else. im sick of it! im sick of people asking me if i party, enough said. im sick of relying on medicine to make myself feel better. im sick of being limited to everything just becuase i got my tonsils out. im sick of venting to a computer.

makes no title makes no sense

2007-12-29T11:58:00.000-08:00

life was never meant to last and i think that's what fooled us in the end.
you looked so beautiful with your hair blown back by the wind.
no one could take us from that moment.
i was ready to die in your arms but you still had some living left to do,
and i think that's what killed me in the end.
i ran out of drinks to drink becuase
nothing was more satisfying than you.
i lost my touch of witty remarks
in fact, ive lost a lot since youve gone on living.

[i have yet to end a decent poem, thanks to you.]

well hello there winter

2007-12-28T15:11:00.000-08:00

ive never seen so much snow! when i woke up this morning i litterally felt like i was in a winter wonderland, haha that sounded really lame. oh well. but seriously, i dont think i really noticed it much last winter becuase i was so caught up in getting unpacked and making sure my grades stayed somewhat up. i say "somewhat" becuase my grades have never been, and will probably never be, perfect. but now that my tonsils have been taken out, ive been spending a lot of my winter break just staring out my bedroom window. its relaxing. its beautiful. i actually appreciate kansas now. its nice that ive finally reached this sense of peace about moving. i'll always be able to say that i spent my childhood in california, but the whole growing up part is really taking place in kansas. i mean, i'm getting my license really soon, i just had my sixteenth birthday and i'm almost half way done with high school. i like growing up. ok that's all for now.